‘We hate poor people’ admit top universities

Britain’s top universities have called an amnesty on pretending that they want to admit more poor people.

Pryce Fairchild, spokesperson for the body that represents Britain’s top ten higher education institutions said that universities will benefit enormously from a return to the good old days when people got into university because their dads were posh, minted or both. ‘There can be no argument that standards are slipping in Britain’s universities,’ said Fairchild. ‘We have come to the conclusion that this is because we admit too many poor people. Poor people tend to be stupid. If you are poor and stupid instead of rich and stupid it means you cannot attend a good university. Simple as.’

In spite of criticisms that the new admissions policy will set social mobility back by several decades, top educational establishments have been quick to implement the changes.  One college has been harshly condemned for adding the phrase ‘No dogs, no Irish, no women and no media studies’ to its undergraduate prospectus. 

Roger Pike, admissions tutor at a leading Oxbridge college explained. ‘Oxbridge has always been the source of Britain’s best double agents, perverts, sociopaths and, more recently, comedy panel show team captains. People say we should just accept the top 1% of pupils from every school in Britain, irrespective of class or background. But then where would we be? I think it would be unwise to mess with our winning formula. Doing so could destroy the very foundations of our wonderfully fucked-up country.’

Michael Selwyn, head of ONSTED recently detailed his own theory about the root cause of inequality. ‘The reason for the lack of inner-city, working class, disadvantaged kids at Oxbridge is the culture of low expectations and poor teaching in state secondary schools.’ Secondary teaching organisations reacted angrily and rushed to criticise what they see as a culture of low expectations and poor teaching at primary level. Primary teaching unions reacted angrily to this and rushed to criticise what they see as a culture of low expectations and poor teaching at reception level. Reception teachers have blamed parents. Parents told them to shut the fuck up and babysit their kids.

The way it should be