Socrates was ‘inadequate’, research reveals.

Educationalists at the University of Carterton’s Centre for Learning claim to have found shocking new evidence regarding the well-known classical sage, Socrates.

‘We have been studying the Socratic Dialogues for months now,’ said Jenny Marwick, Professor of Progress Studies. ‘We expected to find regular, in-built progress checks. But they were just not there. No traffic lights, no thumbs-up or thumbs-down, nothing. Put simply, Socrates did not check progress.”

As educational archaeologists at dig-sites in Athens search frantically for fragments of card sorts, lollypop sticks or other evidence that Socrates did in fact promote rapid progress through active and independent learning, hope is fading fast. ‘The new ONSTED observation schedule is categorical on the importance of progress checks,’ says Jenny Marwick.  ‘We may therefore have to accept the simple fact that Socrates was inadequate.’

The implications of the findings are potentially huge. The fear is that Plato, who was famously line-managed by Socrates and who recorded the dialogues, may have been influenced by his mentor’s disregard for progress. ‘If this is the case,’ says Marwick, ‘then Plato was probably inadequate too. Given that Plato is usually regarded as the father of Western philosophy, this would throw into doubt everything we think we know about life and the universe.’

Marwick’s team recommend the immediate removal from schools of all works associated with Socrates and Plato. ‘In fact, it’s probably safest to remove any material that predates the publication of the new ONSTED schedule.’

Some academics, however, have come to Socrates’s defence. ‘His targeted questioning is really very good,’ said Andrew Cummings, Professor of Learning Sciences at the University of Bridlington’s Department of Innovation and Skills.

Hemlock was too good for him